Isolation

These broken walls trap me inside
I'm isolated ....


Or: This is why we can't have nice things.


I'm still debating on whether or not to post this, especially as it's become kind of a moot point, anyway.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you can't trust people. Everyone hurts everyone else, and, ultimately, everyone is in it only for themselves. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either too naive to know the truth - or they're trying to get something from you.

This is also why I didn't get to go to Heaven for the Rapture, see?

I'm going to be honest here, since it's damn near impossible to open up in real life.

Cold words on a blank screen, no?

I can't hang onto friendships in real life. The closest I come is these near-intangible online relationships. It's just too much risk to allow anyone close to me into my heart, also.

And I'm not even a Runner. Hah.

Of course, it doesn't help any that I'm a loner-type to begin with, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I don't go out and par-tay, so it's not like I'm terribly likely to meet people. And most of the people in this city don't exactly share my interests, either - and the ones that do, I've already happily cut myself off from as well. Bastards probably don't even know or care why. Fuck 'em.

Why is that, that I can't bring myself to open up?

Fear, mostly.

Every gods-damned time I've left the door open, left myself vulnerable that way, opened up fully to another person, I've been hurt. Every time I've seen others do the same, they've been hurt. It's a weakness and a liability, and it's a stupid, avoidable one at that.

And what benefits does it give? This weakness so many people allow themselves to entertain? You can't say procreation, because broken homes wouldn't exist if both parents were necessary for the raising of the child after that initial conception - and that initial conception often, and easily, occurs in moments of physical passion, rather than emotional attachment. One could suggest instead companionship, love, friendship ... it is true that humankind is composed of social creatures. If they do not receive enough social contact in their formative years, humans lose an enormous chunk of that spark that lends them sentience. As to the actual ties, however ... they don't seem necessary to one's survival.

Just a vulnerability. Just an avenue for hurt.

Being with, or even near, other people also compels change. Generally it's small and ignorable over any distance, but in close, physical proximity, it makes itself known acutely. Living with another person forces you to plan around them, work around them. Your defenses have to incorporate them, or you risk hurting them - and by extension, yourself. It limits your freedoms, forces all manner of unnecessary restrictions on you. And then even if they don't hurt you themselves, then they die, or leave, and you're hurting anyway.

And, for what?

All of the benefits, save perhaps pooled fiscal resources and an extra eye to those defenses, are fully intangible. Companionship, love, whatever you want to call it, you know what that really is?

"I've got a knife lodged in my back, I just don't know it yet."

Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of weakness. I'm afraid of vulnerability. I'm afraid of being forced to change, and I'm afraid of things changing around me. I'm fucking terrified of forming any kind of bond with any other person, because doing so is basically synonymous with being hurt - and I'm afraid of pain.

What kind of psychotic, reckless fool isn't?



I'm here alone
And isolated ....