I'm running on three hours' sleep and a shitload of caffeine, I'm tired, my giant gaping wound on my cheek hurts (and it'll feel so much better when I go apply peroxide to it, I'm sure), people suck, circumstances suck, fuck everything.
Drew the Death card as my card of the day. lololololol.
What are we transitioning to, eh? What major change is coming? I'd like to know. Would you like to know? I'd like to know.
Honestly nothing's been especially stable since I started this glorified, publicized journal, just in various states of disarray.
My car broke down. Key won't turn in the ignition switch. Like, at all, either copy. It's just stuck. Which means we can't turn the car on. Already spent money on getting it towed to the repair shop. Going to spend more money one way or the other to get it repaired, assuming they get their heads out of their asses and actually diagnose the goddamn problem.
We had to leave the car in a Wal-Mart parking lot for a day and a half (and oh, walking home in all that heat with a fever of my own was so much fun don'tcha know) because it got to the store just fine but it failed at existence when we tried to go home. Which meant in practice that at 7 AM Monday morning, Mom was dragging my ass (that went to bed at 3) out of bed and into the other car, in order to get it towed and I've already covered this part so let me just say that 8 AM is not a civil hour to be awake at, and most of the local businesses that aren't the repair places agree with me; they weren't open until 10.
I bought myself a LoL card with my paycheck money, and a pair of shoes because my old ones basically fell apart the other day, too.
I'm goin' to bed six hours before I normally would because I'm dead fuckin' exhausted (like, think queasy, about-to-throw-up, dead-eyed, caffeine-crash exhausted) and I get to do something I've missed so much since getting my own car - wait no, there's a reason I wanted one. Fucking public transit. I don't like busses. They reek, they're noisy, and one of them was involved in my hasty departure from public education. Oh, and you have to get up even earlier than you normally would in order to get there on time - it'll be prolly an hour bus ride to get where I'm going.
And I don't even know if the old 10-ride pass still works.
Oh, and all of these pens are dead. What, am I exuding an entropy field today? Fuck my life.
(And I feel bad for bitching, because no matter how much it sucks, someone else has it worse.)
Showing posts with label exhaustion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exhaustion. Show all posts
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
A Sense of Darkness
Hell, why not, this is why people keep journals, right?
Tonight is Saturday night. I leave work the same as I always do, a little later than most everyone else, but not terribly so. There's a woman waiting for a ride, so I briefly chat with her. I've been given a kind of honorary ... thing which grants me better parking spaces than most of my coworkers, so I look for the allotted parking space before I leave.
As I reach my car, I am nearly overwhelmed with the sense that I should not take the Interstate. As I mentioned, I tend to listen to my instincts, even if they make no sense. The weather isn't bad; there's no reason to take the other route, but I feel like I should. Pulling out, I turn right, and am torn between two options. For no discernable reason, I turn right, taking the slightly longer path out of the lot, past a stand of trees. Everything looks like the stray limbs of some eldritch horror, but if something was watching me, I could not say. Night driving takes a toll on me, not because it is so dark, but because of the brief flashes of intense light.
There is something off. I am on edge the entire trip home.
When I cross the train tracks, near to my work, I am confronted with a red light, and there is a man in the center of it all, directing traffic. This is unusual. To my right, along the side of the road, there is a vehicle with lights flashing, though I can see no cause for this disruption. It does not hinder me terribly.
It is hard not to see the Tall Man in the many stands of trees, though truly I doubt He was there.
He is after all so busy elsewhere, is He not?
When I enter town proper, there are more flashing lights, and a siren. As I pull up to a red light, a fire truck speeds through, going from right to left across my field of vision.
There is not much else to report; my sense of dread seems to have been unfounded.
Of course, when I finally arrived home, there was a wild, swinging party going on at my neighbor's house, and no parking to be found the entire block. This was unusual only in that their gathering made any noise at all; in months prior, it had been deathly silent in the house located at the epicenter of the lost parking, and only the leaving visitors were any indication of where to lay blame. Tonight I had to use a back alley, and come through the back fence. Every shape seemed ominous until identified. Even the large tree was vaguely threatening.
I have no tolerance for gatherings, even at the best of times. I am not invited to such parties because I have no interest in such parties. I must confess I do not like people very much, and I have grown very tired of having to solve their problems over the course of my employment. Except that I am still in need of revenue, I cannot say that I will be displeased to become free from my tether.
Every day I am forced to think because another person refuses to, I find the façade cracks a little bit more, and I care a little bit less.
I am just so tired of people.
Tonight is Saturday night. I leave work the same as I always do, a little later than most everyone else, but not terribly so. There's a woman waiting for a ride, so I briefly chat with her. I've been given a kind of honorary ... thing which grants me better parking spaces than most of my coworkers, so I look for the allotted parking space before I leave.
As I reach my car, I am nearly overwhelmed with the sense that I should not take the Interstate. As I mentioned, I tend to listen to my instincts, even if they make no sense. The weather isn't bad; there's no reason to take the other route, but I feel like I should. Pulling out, I turn right, and am torn between two options. For no discernable reason, I turn right, taking the slightly longer path out of the lot, past a stand of trees. Everything looks like the stray limbs of some eldritch horror, but if something was watching me, I could not say. Night driving takes a toll on me, not because it is so dark, but because of the brief flashes of intense light.
There is something off. I am on edge the entire trip home.
When I cross the train tracks, near to my work, I am confronted with a red light, and there is a man in the center of it all, directing traffic. This is unusual. To my right, along the side of the road, there is a vehicle with lights flashing, though I can see no cause for this disruption. It does not hinder me terribly.
It is hard not to see the Tall Man in the many stands of trees, though truly I doubt He was there.
He is after all so busy elsewhere, is He not?
When I enter town proper, there are more flashing lights, and a siren. As I pull up to a red light, a fire truck speeds through, going from right to left across my field of vision.
There is not much else to report; my sense of dread seems to have been unfounded.
Of course, when I finally arrived home, there was a wild, swinging party going on at my neighbor's house, and no parking to be found the entire block. This was unusual only in that their gathering made any noise at all; in months prior, it had been deathly silent in the house located at the epicenter of the lost parking, and only the leaving visitors were any indication of where to lay blame. Tonight I had to use a back alley, and come through the back fence. Every shape seemed ominous until identified. Even the large tree was vaguely threatening.
I have no tolerance for gatherings, even at the best of times. I am not invited to such parties because I have no interest in such parties. I must confess I do not like people very much, and I have grown very tired of having to solve their problems over the course of my employment. Except that I am still in need of revenue, I cannot say that I will be displeased to become free from my tether.
Every day I am forced to think because another person refuses to, I find the façade cracks a little bit more, and I care a little bit less.
I am just so tired of people.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sam
UPDATE: MWF this week. Don't think I can manage more.
Ah hell, I lay odds I'm gonna be crying by the end of this.
So, anybody who can scroll down the page and see my twitter feed will probably already know this. Kind of. So here's the somewhat less abridged version.
Sam was never really my dog, you know? He's a little toy poodle, purebred, not like it matters since the first thing Grandma did when she got him was cut off the breeding bits (with a vet's assistance but still). He had a bunch of genetic problems - his teeth were messed up, his knees were messed up, his heart was failing him for the last five years of his life. Which, see, is why inbreeding is a bad thing, purity or not.
But yeah. So, initially, he belonged to Grandma, and she took care of him, I guess, at least until she passed away from liver cancer. I miss Grandma sometimes, but it's finally distant enough it doesn't hurt so badly anymore.
Then, my Great-Grand-Uncle (I think?) Tom inherited him. We always called the old man Uncle Tom, which come to think of it is part of the name of a book, right? They were basically inseparable, right up until he, too, died - from pneumonia and old age. There's a little bit of a pattern here.
Grandpa took care of him from then on. There's this old recliner in our house, and I've got all kinds of memories of Grandpa sitting in it, learning computers and watching television, whatever. He retired, and less than a year after that, we found out he had lung cancer. A couple of years after that, and he's just gone.
Two days before Sam died, I saw him just -staring- at that recliner, the one that sits empty most of the time anymore. Sam used to sit in it with him, you see.
And now Sam's gone, too.
We couldn't even bury him properly, because of all the snow. We'll do it, yeah, after the ground thaws out, but still.
I was never really all that close to him.
The house seems so much more empty now that the last of the pets have gone.
Ah hell, I lay odds I'm gonna be crying by the end of this.
So, anybody who can scroll down the page and see my twitter feed will probably already know this. Kind of. So here's the somewhat less abridged version.
Sam was never really my dog, you know? He's a little toy poodle, purebred, not like it matters since the first thing Grandma did when she got him was cut off the breeding bits (with a vet's assistance but still). He had a bunch of genetic problems - his teeth were messed up, his knees were messed up, his heart was failing him for the last five years of his life. Which, see, is why inbreeding is a bad thing, purity or not.
But yeah. So, initially, he belonged to Grandma, and she took care of him, I guess, at least until she passed away from liver cancer. I miss Grandma sometimes, but it's finally distant enough it doesn't hurt so badly anymore.
Then, my Great-Grand-Uncle (I think?) Tom inherited him. We always called the old man Uncle Tom, which come to think of it is part of the name of a book, right? They were basically inseparable, right up until he, too, died - from pneumonia and old age. There's a little bit of a pattern here.
Grandpa took care of him from then on. There's this old recliner in our house, and I've got all kinds of memories of Grandpa sitting in it, learning computers and watching television, whatever. He retired, and less than a year after that, we found out he had lung cancer. A couple of years after that, and he's just gone.
Two days before Sam died, I saw him just -staring- at that recliner, the one that sits empty most of the time anymore. Sam used to sit in it with him, you see.
And now Sam's gone, too.
We couldn't even bury him properly, because of all the snow. We'll do it, yeah, after the ground thaws out, but still.
I was never really all that close to him.
The house seems so much more empty now that the last of the pets have gone.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Sleepy Freewrite
Sleepy Freewrite
I need more sleep than I'm getting
I am having so many problems focusing I need to make the computer read it to me while I read it with my eyes. LOLOLOLOLOL
Slendy ruins techno and makes the TV antenna's loss of signal more worrisome than it should ever be.
He hit me with his ||||||||.
That's cool ._.
There is a numb spot on my leg. It itches.
I am running out of paper
An if ye harm none
ABOVE ALL ELSE HARM NONE
Tappa tappa tappa 40k songs guy has music in his mind and it is hard to ignore when it escapes
ONE BY ONE HIS SPOTS FELL OFF
( X )
Splendorman -> Slenderman
I wonder if you can see the Slender Man in any other way than film if you are not his intended victim.
If the Slender Man was real and he abducts children and he always appears on film why is He not in more proud parents' home videos?
IT'S SPLENDOR MAN!!! :D
I can hear the music someone else is listening to at the other end of the table and only just cannot make out the words; it is very LOUD.
Wanna sleep. By the time this is read I will have moved to an easier work schedule and my brain will be less mushy. I am so tired and it is hard to keep my eyes open.
I can see the reflection of the overhead lights and my hair in my glasses which is cool. I watch shadows and reflections as much as the real world.
Burning eyes are burning. TIRED AND COLD my eyes burn
Mtn. Dew: Because we as a society have become too lazy to spell out "Mountain." WTF.
"I before E except after C."
"Well, what about 'leisure' and 'seizure'?"
"Ah, |||| it."
English is the language that beats up other languages and takes their loose grammar.
Germ-X smells like dying germs.
THIS IS DRY READING.
So very bored in the brain I am so tired.
|||| you SLabs. Only one Labyrinth, but everybody calls it SLabs. Why is that? Because SLabs is a subsection of HELL where bad tanks go to DIE. |||| you SLabs.
"Where were you when the world stopped turnin'
on that September day?"
America is self-important.
I can smell food because someone has food and I am hungry ANGRY SIMLISH AND ARM WAVING MY MOODS ARE RED-LINING I HATE YOU SELF.
Mood swings, of a sort.
I want a nap.
I want a nap.
I want a nap.
I want a nap.
I want a nap.
I want a nap.
I want a nap.
I want a nap.
I want a nap.
I want a nap.
I am not allowed to sleep.
My hand has fallen asleep and when I twitch my fingers I can feel fizzy blood tingling in my wrist and palm and fingertips all the way up to my elbow. I punched my wall on accident and my finger started bleeding it still hurts I think I have a minor infection.
TRUE ART IS ANGSTY. I CAN'T SLEEP JUST WANT A NAP TO SLEEP IS THAT SO BAD?
Isn't it nice to have a computer that will talk to you?
TRUE ART IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE AS IS THIS READING MY EYES HAVE GLAZED OVER IT ISN'T VERY HARD I JUST CAN'T FOCUS RIGHT NOW AT ALL.
There are still things to do
And it is important that I do them
The channel keeps changing in my head and I have no control over the remote I can't focus I can't focus I can't think I'm so tired I don't know anything why am I so tired?
I am also sick.
Less than three, OMG LOVE COMPUTER FANTASY
Out of space now KTHXBYE
Friday, January 28, 2011
Paranoid Freewrite
And a Friday Freewrite!
I'm actually considering, with the sheer volume of writing I'm doing right now, to change it back to at least M-F, every day.
Ah well, who knows anyway. ON WITH THE POST!
Paranoid
Freewrite! See you. Rar tentacles!
I have something on my mind, is it obvious?
You know, I really don't think the whole Slenderman thing is/is not real. Skepticism is extant but still causes paranoia. Go figure. Very suggestible with an already-present tendency toward obsessive thought. lolol.
Scars on an eye eyePhone water Out of
may not cause How is damage warranty
blindness, just time found to be _
(less complete) to blargh and killing | \ ET
vision loss. POAST? phone |_/ AH
smrtfone. OMG(s?)
People How is money supplied by presumably jobless people
Pinatas 4 more for food and sufficient gas to continue running? MY WHOLE MEAL COST
personable $20! FIFTEEEN CENTS
portrayals Snow is very wet If Slendy
and also snowy and in addition cold. turned up it would FAIL
Blarghing be INSTANT hypothermia
in tha death. So cold.
rainz, SO IF YOU GET OBSESSED
'm blargh WITH (SLENDERMAN) AND THEN YOU
ing LOSE SLEEP AND Achoo!
in tha THEN YOU HAVE A
rain DIMINISHED IMMUNE SYSTEM COUGH
IS IT PARANOIA, SLENDY-SICKNESS, OF
OR ABJECT STUPIDITY WHEN YOU DEATH
CATCH A COLD?
Ramen Noodles: The official
foodstuff of runners.
Buy a bike: Ramen is cheaper than gas.
L( X )L
___
|---|_|_
_|_|---| <---- ((That's a symbol I like. It basically reads HI four times.))
I'm actually considering, with the sheer volume of writing I'm doing right now, to change it back to at least M-F, every day.
Ah well, who knows anyway. ON WITH THE POST!
Paranoid
Freewrite! See you. Rar tentacles!
I have something on my mind, is it obvious?
You know, I really don't think the whole Slenderman thing is/is not real. Skepticism is extant but still causes paranoia. Go figure. Very suggestible with an already-present tendency toward obsessive thought. lolol.
Scars on an eye eyePhone water Out of
may not cause How is damage warranty
blindness, just time found to be _
(less complete) to blargh and killing | \ ET
vision loss. POAST? phone |_/ AH
smrtfone. OMG(s?)
People How is money supplied by presumably jobless people
Pinatas 4 more for food and sufficient gas to continue running? MY WHOLE MEAL COST
personable $20! FIFTEEEN CENTS
portrayals Snow is very wet If Slendy
and also snowy and in addition cold. turned up it would FAIL
Blarghing be INSTANT hypothermia
in tha death. So cold.
rainz, SO IF YOU GET OBSESSED
'm blargh WITH (SLENDERMAN) AND THEN YOU
ing LOSE SLEEP AND Achoo!
in tha THEN YOU HAVE A
rain DIMINISHED IMMUNE SYSTEM COUGH
IS IT PARANOIA, SLENDY-SICKNESS, OF
OR ABJECT STUPIDITY WHEN YOU DEATH
CATCH A COLD?
Ramen Noodles: The official
foodstuff of runners.
Buy a bike: Ramen is cheaper than gas.
L( X )L
___
|---|_|_
_|_|---| <---- ((That's a symbol I like. It basically reads HI four times.))
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I__See__You
I did not piss off a creepy camera deity.
I slept with my light on last night, and it kept me awake a bit - but I couldn't have gotten to sleep at all without it.
This morning, I am thoroughly exhausted. I kept drifting off, only to jerk awake long enough to make sure I was really alone in my room, seriously. I remember groaning because I saw the alarm clock at 4am.
I want to take a nap.
So, what I've learned from this. I should not watch Paranoia Fuel videos before bed.
Like ever.
I slept with my light on last night, and it kept me awake a bit - but I couldn't have gotten to sleep at all without it.
This morning, I am thoroughly exhausted. I kept drifting off, only to jerk awake long enough to make sure I was really alone in my room, seriously. I remember groaning because I saw the alarm clock at 4am.
I want to take a nap.
So, what I've learned from this. I should not watch Paranoia Fuel videos before bed.
Like ever.
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