Thursday, November 22, 2012

Apocalyptic Log - Ayala

They say only the strong survive.
I aim to prove "them" wrong.
The world has been devastated by nuclear war.
My name is Toni Ayala. I'm a witch. And I'm going to save the world.
I've taken a job at the local hospital. It isn't pretty, but I've got my foot in the door.
One day, I'll lead the restoration efforts.
For now, they tell me I'm an on-call organ donor. I think they were joking.


Ugh. The conditions at the hospital are medieval at best. I've been promoted to cleaning out bedpans. The water we get to use is just as filthy as the messes we're supposed to be cleaning, but at least it's water, I suppose. That's more than most people have right now.


There's a family in the next bunker over. They seem so happy, despite everything. That's what I'm working for. Those children need people like me.


The mob stopped by for their weekly cut. I spent the whole day crying from hunger pains, and the bastards had the audacity to eat their protein rations in front of me. Then, they even made off with my new couch! Said it was too good for me. Sure, I can get another, but still, it's the principle of the thing. It disgusts me.


I've been working my ass off to become an intern, to really begin medical practice. I've been studying constantly, whenever I have a free moment. Today, it finally happened. I'll learn from the best doctors in the area, and then I'll be the best.


We're so understaffed. I don't think I've seen a normal human in the place, and the "best" doctor is a resident werewolf barely more competent than I am.


A man walked by my shelter today. Cyrus Sepulveda. He's ... interesting. Okay, he's hot. Plus, he actually is a normal human. You just don't see many of those these days.


I had to fight past some zombies to get to the hospital tonight, and when I got there, they tell me there's a patient with a blood type identical to mine, in desperate need of at least one working kidney. I've got two, would I please donate one? I had no choice but to let the werewolf operate on me. It was successful - barely - but .... gods, the facilities are barbaric. I half-expect to get an infection, even though my witch blood makes me resistant to disease.


I swear, aliens keep landing on top of my bunker. Aliens. What.


The trick to success is to always keep pushing forward. I'm so close I can taste it. We're working on getting clean watter arranged, we've begun trying experimental procedures at the hospital. Conditions are improving. I feel like I'm making a difference. I really do.


We've done it! It's still ongoing, of course, but the restoration efforts are underway. As a reward for all of my contributions, I got the first shower and laundry facilities in the area, not to mention a fertility treatment. Cyrus and I have been talking, and neither of us are getting any younger. We agreed to marry, just an informal ceremony, and he moved in with me.
Naturally, we consummated our relationship as quickly as possible. I'm positively glowing right now. Everything is going right in my world, besides the zombies and the nuclear winter, anyway.


Damn it, damn it, damn it!
They cut our rations. Cyrus, naturally, decided to be the gentleman, give me his share. I'm pregnant, he said, I needed it more. I spent the whole night puking up my guts, but I needed the food more than he did. It couldn't last for long. He - he starved to death, right in front of me. I kept trying to get him to eat, something, anything, but he refused, right until the end.
What do I do now?


Twins, and oh, they're beautiful. If only Cyrus had lived. It's a boy and a girl, Anthony and Maria. I can tell, just by looking at them, they have the gift.
Now I have to survive. They need me.
I need them.


It's been a long time since I last wrote - raising the twins took a lot out of me. But it's done. No more baby bottles, no more dirty diapers. If this were Before, they'd be starting school, making friends.
If only ....
I can feel my mind slipping away from me. I know the word for it, even if I can't stop it. No amount of medical knowledge could prepare me for the ill effects of advancing age - and it's more than just growing old. It's a kind of madness settling in, seeping into every corner of my mind. Senility, or worse.
At least I can rest easy, knowing there's a brighter future ahead. Even if my mind does fail, even if the world we used to know is gone, I know in my heart there's always hope.
My children will carry on my legacy. I've raised them to do great things.
One day, I'll show my daughter this diary. She'll continue the tale.
People need to know how the end of the world became a new beginning.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


Seeing what became of Its elves, The Magus was not particularly bothered. With their long lives, infrequent births, and inherent caution, they had been rather boring. It created a few more elves, hiding them in the far reaches of the world so their cousins could not easily find them. Once It had done this, It turned to Its next project. These, It decided, would not be so boring.

They looked almost elven, these new creations, though they were stronger in build. These, It turned greenish-gray, and It gave them short, brutal lives. They had sharp teeth, and were completely unafraid.

But It made their lives too short. They had little care for the long aeons ahead. These creatures, It named orcs, and they did spread to many parts their predecessors had left untouched in their fear. They formed large, warlike bands, creating a rough, cruel society. For a while, It was content to watch their incessant infighting, but It quickly became bored.

And so it went.

The Magus created many races in this way. Some had long lives, some had short. Most were unafraid of the dark, many could see with little light. It even revisited the elves, twisting Its creations into new forms.

But none of Its creations held Its attention long.

Finally, It focused Itself. Its new project had to have a shorter lifespan than the elves, or It would get bored of them quickly, but longer than the orcs, or It would have little use for them in the long run. They couldn't be timid or fearful, but nor could they be completely unafraid. They wouldn't be as strong as the orcs, nor as fragile as the elves. This new creation would be a middle ground, a compromise between all Its previous creations.

And they would be perfect.

It called them humans, and they quickly outstripped the orcs in their exploration. They had lives just long enough to taste eternity, without being frozen by it. They planned for a future they would never live to see. They had genius, they had madness, they had paragons and villains, they had brutal destroyers and peaceful healers.

They were chaos.

And The Magus loved them dearly.

Monday, June 4, 2012


It came to pass that Dios favored a certain group of mortals greatly. These mortals were called elves, and they were full of life. The Magus's power shone brightly in them. They were the first mortals It put Its entire self into creating, and that light was a beacon. Every elf that gave praise to the Sun, gave praise to the Light, was another spark of The Magus's power reclaimed.

Nyx grew envious.

She had no mortals of her own to play with. The elves, as She knew, feared the Night, for they could not see in the darkness. In the beginning, the elves were the only mortals worth playing with: they were the only mortals who could think. They made plans, they had dreams. No other mortal could boast such things.

And so Nyx went down amongst the elves at night, disguising Herself as a beautiful, if blind, young woman.

"Why do you hide?" She called out to them, standing in the town square.

One very brave elf cracked open the shutters to his window to respond. "It isn't safe," he explained. "You should go inside."

She shook Her head. "The Night is beautiful, if only you could see It." She beckoned the elf, and he closed the window to Her.

So it went. Nyx would cajole the elves to leave their homes, and one by one, the elves refused, until at last, a small child left her empty home. Nyx knew this child. Once in the forest, her family had been slaughtered by wolves. Nyx had watched with interest, but had not intervened.

"They won't come," the child explained. "They are too afraid."

Nyx smiled down at the child. "Why are they so afraid, little one?"

"The darkness hides fearsome beasts," said the girl. "We cannot see them to fight back."

Nyx rested a hand over the girl's eyes. "Then I will give you sight to pierce the darkness," She spoke, and so it was. The girl could see in darkness.

"The creatures are too strong to fight, Mistress," said the child.

And Nyx shifted Her hand, resting it atop the child's head. "Then I shall make you strong enough to face any challenge. No beast will be too great for you."

The Goddess did this for each member of the clan Ba'naelro, and She became diminished for her efforts. Her spark shone dark, shadowing The Magus' own, and her people were strong.

God-touched, Her children did not age. They were masters of all beasts. They were strong, and they were cunning. However, although as creatures of the light they had been able to suffer the darkness, as Children of Night, the reverse was no longer true. Sunlight burned them, as did places and things consecrated to Dios. Submersion in fresh waters weakened them, burning their skin like acid.

However, the Night was beautiful to them, and they were powerful. They became content with their new place in the world, and Nyx was content with her single clan of mortals.

One day, Dios learned of this treachery.

He raged endlessly, unable to find, much less punish, the wayward tribe. In His stead, He sent His most powerful clerics, and His fiercest warriors, to kill the Night Children.

The Night Children sent the warriors and clerics back in pieces, suffering only few losses.

So it continued for some time, and this grieved Nyx. She is above all else, a goddess of healing, not war. Her children's deaths weighed heavy on her heart, especially as they could not reproduce as mortals did to replenish their numbers.

In her grief, Nyx bestowed upon her children new powers. They would be able to become as beasts, or fine mist, and they could heal any wound

Most importantly, by sharing their blood with a true mortal, they could create new Night Children, and thereby replenish their ranks. These new creatures were the first vampires, and they did not have the divine spark their parents were given. They craved it, needed it to sustain their power - no, their very lives. Before long, they turned on their parents, killing almost every last elf of the clan Ba'naelro.

Then, when there were no more Children to be found, the vampires turned outward. They hunted down any elves they could find. Some did choose to expand their numbers, creating a great many vampires. Many did not, choosing instead to leave a wake of drained bodies behind.

So ended the time of the elves.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Creation Myth - Harte

All things are born of The Magus. In the beginning, It created the Day and the Night, the Light and the Dark. This is why these things remain the easiest to conjure; Dios and Nyx are The Magus's oldest, and most powerful, children.

From the beginning, there was conflict, for the first children were too different, and each abhorred the other. "I will not share the sky with Her," said Dios, and He tore the very eyes from Her face. These became the moons, Nyx's firstborn, and her blood pooled between them, forming the great oceans.

Nyx struck back unerringly, for Her eyes still saw Her Enemy. She ripped a single eye from Dios's face in retribution, and this became the Sun. With her clever claws, She shredded His body, and His flesh became the Earth, his blood becoming the rivers and lakes.

So it came to pass that between Them, They formed a world, around which They circle endlessly, each waiting for the other to step falsely.

Other great spirits then came to be. Aqos, Nyx's left eye, watches over the waters, while Fyra, Nyx's right eye, burns constantly in pain, for He is scarred and unwhole. His fragmented self became the bloody red moon and the many stars in the sky. He governs Fire, that mortals may burn as He does.

Arya, the great spirit of air, formed around the world when Dios and Nyx lay together, panting and spent, exhausted from their first battle. She is their shared breath, and governs Air. Arya refuses to take a side in the great war, for she loves Her parents equally.

Eiran, Dios's second child, formed the Earth to His liking, shifting it in great, heaving shakes, as His body is Dios's cast-off flesh.

Dalia, the Sun, works with Aqos and Eiran, to help all living things to grow.

All living things are born of The Magus. It seeded the world with mortals of every shape and size, for only a God as mad as It could create with such variety, and all mortal beings are Its playthings.

Despite this, no sane mortal worships The Magus, for none would survive Its full attention long.

Friday, May 4, 2012


The vision roused her from her meditation as it had three separate times this week.

It was always the same. She stood back-to-back with another, a male who she knew to be her best friend. He was laughing as they fought overwhelming odds.

By now, she knew that laugh better than her own.

It ended before she could decipher it, breaking her focus. She sighed, pressing a palm to her head. Who was the man? What was he to her? For that matter, who had she been - for such a thing had never happened to her before her rebirth, she was certain.

She stood, gracefully, padding soundlessly through the halls of the temple. Her footsteps took her to Master Absylon's room. She bowed to the master, then sat, patiently waiting for him to rouse from his own meditation.

"What troubles you?" He sat with his back to her, but she felt the gentle caress of his mind against hers, reassuring, nonetheless.

She felt herself smiling softly, though the smile faded as soon as it appeared. "Who am I?"

"You are Aeryn." He smiled. "You were reborn to us as one of the finest pupils this temple has seen in a long time." She heard his voice in her mind. And you are as a daughter to me.

As you are like a father to me, she thought, confident he heard her. "But who was I before?"

He shook his head. "You were no one. You came to us a mortal, without direction or purpose. We chose you for who you are now, who you have become, not who you were then." She could hear the smile in his voice. "We took your pain with your memories, dear one. You are a better person without them."

"Master, I ..." She closed her eyes. "I do not know who that person is, not really." She shook her head to clear it.

She felt his smile, then, and it warmed her to her core. "Then you must find her. You are ready."

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Good Stuff

So ... the meds they have me on are a remarkably powerful mix of antidepressants that keep me happy. Or at least not down. It's ... strange. I am used to - to the point of considering it my 'norm' - being just about on the verge of tears, guilty for no reason, an emotionally fucked mess.

Apparently if you put enough chemicals in the human body, you can evict any demon of the mind.

Who knew?

Derpaderp. It also, however, clouds my higher brain functions enough that I kind of lose my train of thought periodically. The only thing that seems to keep me thinking in a straight line is the fact that my intellect is adequate to compensate for ... any deficits that arise. It does sometimes however take a moment or two to regain focus.

My workplace has been remarkably accommodating of my condition. It is good.

I really don't have a lot to say lately, however, which is part of the reason I don't .... haven't been posting as much.

Or, y'know, at all.

There's just nothing to say. Nothing interesting has been happening.

I've been playing a lot of Minecraft lately. You can watch me fail at like five FPS just about every night from twelve-thirty AM to one-thirty AM Central Standard Time.

I think I want a nap now.

All my meds state that I am going to be drowsy and/or dizzy. I am very tired. That is about the only downside I have encountered.

I'll accept a little drowsiness if I can feel otherwise human.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Or: I take this and that, and turn it into something else.

Take a fragile, sick mind and screw it up into something almost healthy ....

Oh, I told myself I wouldn't cheat. Better than Wolves is my true love, and I couldn't bear to give up its pure automation and style. I respect and admire Flowerchild for sticking to his guns - for setting his foot down and saying that this would not stand.

But I am not made of such strong stuff. I am now keeping a second .jar file for a batch of mods with something more ... magical.

I am, of course, referring to the twin mods Equivalent Exchange 2 and Thaumcraft 2. Both deal with turning one thing into another, especially matter into energy, but they go about it in two entirely different ways.

EE2 adds a lot of what most people would define as 'end-game' content. That is, you should really only try tackling EE2 after establishing yourself in the unmodified world, getting a few diamonds and a lot of redstone together, that sort of thing. When you've gotten all that together, then you can start on the things that require literally hundreds of diamonds to create.

What you get out of those diamonds varies from things like axes that can chop down entire forests in a single swing, to things like armor that makes you basically impervious to damage, to amulets that let you drain oceans, or hammers that let you level mountains.

To help you get that far, EE2 adds a lot of low-level content as well, like the Talisman of Repair that fixes your gear for you, or the transmutation table that lets you turn any item into any other item of equivalent value. See what I did there?

To EE2, cobblestone is no different from smooth stone is no different from grass is no different from sand - all are equivalent in value, and any can be made by using your trusty philosopher's stone on another.

Heady stuff, and there's something simply awesome about turning a handful of lapis lazuli powder into an entire library.

Now let's take a look at Thaumcraft 2.

By comparison, initially there is at once more wonder and less power to be had from TC2. Thaumcraft 2 adds a lot to world generation, from little sparkling wisps that flutter around the sky, chiming ever so softly, to shimmering silver trees that can't be grown naturally, to tiny crystals deep in the earth filled with magical power. There are mysterious monoliths, and massive greatwood trees, strange zombies and tainted slimes. The magic in the world is fueled by an invisible force called 'aura,' which can be corrupted by an equally powerful force called 'taint.' Both occur naturally, but can be made much more powerful when cultivated by the player.

Everything the player does, he or she does to harness Vis, the natural power of the world, to create things every bit as wonderful as those things made available by Equivalent Exchange.

There is a somewhat slower pace to TC2 than EE2, in part because, although EE2 immediately allows you to transmute anything you have into anything else you've ever had, in TC2, every discovery beyond the first two or three blocks has to be researched at a Quaesitum, a block that benefits from being placed in the aforementioned library, and a lot of the things researched at the Quaesitum are completely random in nature. With enough resources available, everything in EE2 is immediately at your fingertips, even if you're playing completely legitimately, while TC2 doles the magic out a little at a time - and gives terrible consequences to rushing ahead without thought.

As both mods are dependent on the Minecraft Forge, neither are compatible with Better Than Wolves, which is really my only complaint so far. It's hardly the fault of the mods, but it does mean I have to keep my worlds separate, at least until the official API hits.

Back, and doing all right. Expect posts erratically as I have thoughts in my head.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Been Down, Been Up, It's Okay

So, I have a livestream.

My intention is to stream most nights 12:30-1AM CST - just game-related stuff. Minecraft, for now.

Check it out.

Not much to say.

The doctor has me on high-grade antidepressants that take the bleeding edge off the mania and the cutting edge off the despair. They also take the edges off my thoughts. My brain feels blurry.

'sokay though.

I may/may not actually have a thyroid problem after all. Secondary test shows levels are low, but not nearly so bad as they were before. Up, down, up, down.

I have an appointment next monday to speak with an endocrinologist about it.

Fun times.

Not feeling particularly anything right now. Kind of just ... empty.


Everything is okay.

Everything will be okay.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Medicine (Just Like a Pill)

... Instead of making me better, it just made me ill.

So, might as well dust this off.

I have a thyroid problem. I'm not surprised really; we KNEW something was wrong. They tell me my thyroid levels are too high, so the best course of action should be to kill it with radiation - just completely obliterate a gland from my throat, but THAT'S plan A.

Or, it would be.

One small problem, however- in order to introduce the radiation to the thyroid gland, they would give me pills filled with radioactive iodine, I guess. Only, my iodine uptake levels are shit, so they literally CAN'T kill off my thyroid.

I'm not on any medication for that since apparently we're just going to wait and see what happens, but since I'm such a ball of sunshine and joy, the doctor started me on an antidepressant that isn't supposed to kick in fully for an entire month.

It's been two weeks. In that time, I have:

-had intrusive, frequent, suicidal thoughts

-had consistently depressed moods

-had brief near-manic mood swings

-had low to no appetite consistently (still hard to gauge when I'm full)

-had problems sleeping and/or slept too much

-had constant fatigue

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

It's 1/18/2012, do you know where your [censored] is?

So apparently I go in for testing on the 23rd and 24th to see if I have a thyroid problem. Fun. At least it's more useful than 'sleep more, noob.'

Um. Haven't felt like existing in any meaningful way in the past age. Couple months I guess. Depressed, tired. Mostly just tired. So ... damn ... tired. Oh, then I got sick and didn't recover properly so I saw a real doctor after my insurance kicked in.

It sucks.

This thing, if it passes, will result in me taking down the blog. Too risky, haven't been doing enough with it to want to risk doing time for fanfiction, thanks.

And now to go back to hiding in my hole for the end of the world to happen.

Hope it comes soon.

I can't sleep tonight.