We never speak anymore. You go off in your little world of dreams and fantasies, and I live in my bleak shadows.
It's like we're two different people.
But we're not.
There's me, when I'm on top of the world. When nothing can bring me down, and I can stay up for days, running on fumes because the high is just so high.
And then there's me, when I'm under it, crushed by its weight. When nothing can drag me up, and it takes all my energy just to get out of bed.
Today is one of the latter days.
The doctors say to 'diet and exercise' - nevermind that they don't give a good idea of what to at or which movements will help the most. I suppose anything would do, wouldn't it?
It's supposed to make you feel better.
I stayed up too late last night, and couldn't stay asleep this morning. I'm feeling queasy and sick.
I like telling stories, but I don't have thoughts of my own. I ... extrapolate, on other thoughts.
My head is all over the place, a billion pieces that all say 'suck.'
So when I got up this morning, it was still morning, and so I thought to myself, "Let's accomplish something!" ... only no forward progress was made on any goals, and I quickly got frustrated, depressed, and self-loathing.
Depression, they call the one. Bipolar, they amend, when they hear about the other.
Mom thinks it's an autoimmune thing. Hashimoto's disease or disorder or some such thing - it starts, just as the doctors told me so long ago, "Like your thyroid caught a cold."
Only it never quite seems to have gotten better.
Of course, that kind of thing just doesn't. If it's how she thinks it is, then I'm stuck, because not only is it a lifelong sentence, but the doctors don't understand this kind of shit well enough to even diagnose it half the time, much less actually treat it.
The doctor has me on high-grade antidepressants that take the bleeding edge off the mania and the cutting edge off the despair. They also take the edges off my thoughts. My brain feels blurry.
'sokay though.
I may/may not actually have a thyroid problem after all. Secondary test shows levels are low, but not nearly so bad as they were before. Up, down, up, down.
I have an appointment next monday to speak with an endocrinologist about it.
Fun times.
Not feeling particularly anything right now. Kind of just ... empty.
... Instead of making me better, it just made me ill.
So, might as well dust this off.
I have a thyroid problem. I'm not surprised really; we KNEW something was wrong. They tell me my thyroid levels are too high, so the best course of action should be to kill it with radiation - just completely obliterate a gland from my throat, but THAT'S plan A.
Or, it would be.
One small problem, however- in order to introduce the radiation to the thyroid gland, they would give me pills filled with radioactive iodine, I guess. Only, my iodine uptake levels are shit, so they literally CAN'T kill off my thyroid.
I'm not on any medication for that since apparently we're just going to wait and see what happens, but since I'm such a ball of sunshine and joy, the doctor started me on an antidepressant that isn't supposed to kick in fully for an entire month.
It's been two weeks. In that time, I have:
-had intrusive, frequent, suicidal thoughts
-had consistently depressed moods
-had brief near-manic mood swings
-had low to no appetite consistently (still hard to gauge when I'm full)
So apparently I go in for testing on the 23rd and 24th to see if I have a thyroid problem. Fun. At least it's more useful than 'sleep more, noob.'
Um. Haven't felt like existing in any meaningful way in the past age. Couple months I guess. Depressed, tired. Mostly just tired. So ... damn ... tired. Oh, then I got sick and didn't recover properly so I saw a real doctor after my insurance kicked in.
It sucks.
Thisthing, if it passes, will result in me taking down the blog. Too risky, haven't been doing enough with it to want to risk doing time for fanfiction, thanks.
And now to go back to hiding in my hole for the end of the world to happen.
Side Note the First: I kept getting distracted so this is gonna be a long post. TL;DR, gushing and/or bitching about League of Legends. Go buy that. Wait, it's free.
Side Note 2: not feeling too good mentally today (Monday), so forgive any typos or anything. Woke up on the far wrong side of the bed, y'know? (By which I mean, I had this bizarre dream that ended with me waking up feeling like I had something or someone invading my brain that needed to die in a fire. Makes three times so far I've had that sense ... one of them long before hearing about the Mythos. Squicky. Each time they're met with violence - or at least the thought/impression of violent repudiation - of course.) Made me grumpy all day.
Side Note Three: Revenge of the Side Note: I got yet another search hit for "How do I leave Gilneas?" The answer is, you don't. You're stuck there for all eternity. All the other Worgen are hackers. The end. No, but seriously, just play through the storyline, that's your only option. Except for maybe a Warlock summon or something, I dunno. I don't even play WoW anymore, jeez.
Not my video, and you can't do this anymore. Got'cha!
Thanks to Soulsinger for finding this video, though.
Anyway!
I've been playing this game for a couple of days now (not as long as I've been playing Rift - sorry! I'll get to it, I swear!) and I think I've got a fair handle of what's going on with it anyway.
It's called League of Legends, and it's the genetically identical offspring of a very, very popular map named "Defense of the Ancients" from Warcraft III. It's also completely free to play ... in theory, anyway, we'll get to that in a bit.
So what you do, you download the game client, open it up, and play through the tutorial. It actually teaches you pretty much everything you need to know, which is handy since it's been ages since I've played WCIII, and I never really got into the online side of it when I did still play.
Let's be more specific though. LoL - and I love the acronym - is, like Plants Vs. Zombies and Gemcraft (another game I've been wasting time with off and on), a kind of Turret Defense game ... insofar as there are turrets, and it's generally wise to defend them. You can't really upgrade the turrets though. In fact, other than 'blow them up' and 'hide behind them like a sissy,' there aren't really a lot of other things you can do to/with/for the turrets, and, after they've been blown up, they're gone for good. So, basically, not like any of the other Turret Defense games on the market.
I'm going to back up even further and explain what Turret Defense means, since most of my followers are from the other 99,999 SM(TP, hahaha no, just SM) Blogs and the rest of my hits are from GILNEAS, WAT DO. Seriously, it isn't that hard.
Okay, so Turret Defense, generally goes thus: you've got a maze, or a lawn, or whatever, whereby the HORDES OF EVIL are trying to get at your goodies (townsfolk, brains, children, etc.). Your objective is, normally, to build turrets along the sides of that maze, which shoot down the HORDES OF EVIL as they come, at ever-increasing rates of speed and also DEATH.
In LoL, there are two mazes, pretty much exactly mirrored, facing one another. You play as a Champion of one of the HORDES OF EVIL, setting out to stab/burn/consume the entire other HORDE OF EVIL. In the face. At the end of each maze is a Nexus, which is essentially your/the other guys'townsfolk/brain/children/goodies/shiny things. Your objective is to blow up the other guy's Nexus while simultaneously preserving your Nexus from being blown up. Generally there'll be two to four other people/robots helping you out with that, along with the entire rest of your HORDE OF EVIL.
And honestly, gladiatorial matches where the combatants are made to fight endlessly without even the reprieve of a final death kind of makes both sides pretty evil, imo. I haven't given more than a cursory glance to the lore, what there is of it. Not exactly an RPG.
So that's awesome.
It's actually a really kind of cool game, and what little I've seen of it suggests that they're trying to constantly pump out new goodies. How are they funding that, if it's totally free to play?
Well, anything game-related is, technically, free to play. They give you a selection, which changes about weekly, of Champions to poke about with. It only takes six or seven matches to buy one with Influence Points (which is the currency you get from, y'know, actually playing the game). But the better Champions can only be gotten through a whole metric fuckton of Influence Points, translating into literally days of gameplay, especially if you get unlucky and lose a lot ... or, you can buy a handful of these Riot Points with real money, and play these awesome Champions now. So, exactly like real gladiatorial matches, only the Champions never get to buy their own freedom.
Which is how they get you.
Because, see, there are a lot of Champions, each with their own unique playstyle, ranging from 'set things on fire/death/NOMNOMNOM and hope nothing looks your way' to 'although you'll take five hours to kill anything, the same applies to your enemies hitting you'. So, you'll either be playing forever if you have any slight inclination to try out something new, or you'll be paying to play anyway.
In addition, everything cosmetic is bought through Riot Points, which is sad because there are a few skins I'd like but don't really want to shell out for. Good thing my two favorite champions' defaults are all right, I guess.
Oh, and Myk, if you're reading: so far I haven't seen much elitism in game, partly because I haven't seen much talking at all. The other part I think is that there are few to no barriers to entry, though. It's free, from a dedicated server that isn't going to tell you how tall you have to be for this ride, and the game really does its best to teach you what to do before you have to singlehandedly face down a horror from beyond or three. At once.
People get a kick out of denying you things that they have that you don't.
These broken walls trap me inside I'm isolated ....
Or: This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm still debating on whether or not to post this, especially as it's become kind of a moot point, anyway.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you can't trust people. Everyone hurts everyone else, and, ultimately, everyone is in it only for themselves. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either too naive to know the truth - or they're trying to get something from you.
This is also why I didn't get to go to Heaven for the Rapture, see?
I'm going to be honest here, since it's damn near impossible to open up in real life.
Cold words on a blank screen, no?
I can't hang onto friendships in real life. The closest I come is these near-intangible online relationships. It's just too much risk to allow anyone close to me into my heart, also.
And I'm not even a Runner. Hah.
Of course, it doesn't help any that I'm a loner-type to begin with, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I don't go out and par-tay, so it's not like I'm terribly likely to meet people. And most of the people in this city don't exactly share my interests, either - and the ones that do, I've already happily cut myself off from as well. Bastards probably don't even know or care why. Fuck 'em.
Why is that, that I can't bring myself to open up?
Fear, mostly.
Every gods-damned time I've left the door open, left myself vulnerable that way, opened up fully to another person, I've been hurt. Every time I've seen others do the same, they've been hurt. It's a weakness and a liability, and it's a stupid, avoidable one at that.
And what benefits does it give? This weakness so many people allow themselves to entertain? You can't say procreation, because broken homes wouldn't exist if both parents were necessary for the raising of the child after that initial conception - and that initial conception often, and easily, occurs in moments of physical passion, rather than emotional attachment. One could suggest instead companionship, love, friendship ... it is true that humankind is composed of social creatures. If they do not receive enough social contact in their formative years, humans lose an enormous chunk of that spark that lends them sentience. As to the actual ties, however ... they don't seem necessary to one's survival.
Just a vulnerability. Just an avenue for hurt.
Being with, or even near, other people also compels change. Generally it's small and ignorable over any distance, but in close, physical proximity, it makes itself known acutely. Living with another person forces you to plan around them, work around them. Your defenses have to incorporate them, or you risk hurting them - and by extension, yourself. It limits your freedoms, forces all manner of unnecessary restrictions on you. And then even if they don't hurt you themselves, then they die, or leave, and you're hurting anyway.
And, for what?
All of the benefits, save perhaps pooled fiscal resources and an extra eye to those defenses, are fully intangible. Companionship, love, whatever you want to call it, you know what that really is?
"I've got a knife lodged in my back, I just don't know it yet."
Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of weakness. I'm afraid of vulnerability. I'm afraid of being forced to change, and I'm afraid of things changing around me. I'm fucking terrified of forming any kind of bond with any other person, because doing so is basically synonymous with being hurt - and I'm afraid of pain.
Hell, why not, this is why people keep journals, right?
Tonight is Saturday night. I leave work the same as I always do, a little later than most everyone else, but not terribly so. There's a woman waiting for a ride, so I briefly chat with her. I've been given a kind of honorary ... thing which grants me better parking spaces than most of my coworkers, so I look for the allotted parking space before I leave.
As I reach my car, I am nearly overwhelmed with the sense that I should not take the Interstate. As I mentioned, I tend to listen to my instincts, even if they make no sense. The weather isn't bad; there's no reason to take the other route, but I feel like I should. Pulling out, I turn right, and am torn between two options. For no discernable reason, I turn right, taking the slightly longer path out of the lot, past a stand of trees. Everything looks like the stray limbs of some eldritch horror, but if something was watching me, I could not say. Night driving takes a toll on me, not because it is so dark, but because of the brief flashes of intense light.
There is something off. I am on edge the entire trip home.
When I cross the train tracks, near to my work, I am confronted with a red light, and there is a man in the center of it all, directing traffic. This is unusual. To my right, along the side of the road, there is a vehicle with lights flashing, though I can see no cause for this disruption. It does not hinder me terribly.
It is hard not to see the Tall Man in the many stands of trees, though truly I doubt He was there.
He is after all so busy elsewhere, is He not?
When I enter town proper, there are more flashing lights, and a siren. As I pull up to a red light, a fire truck speeds through, going from right to left across my field of vision.
There is not much else to report; my sense of dread seems to have been unfounded.
Of course, when I finally arrived home, there was a wild, swinging party going on at my neighbor's house, and no parking to be found the entire block. This was unusual only in that their gathering made any noise at all; in months prior, it had been deathly silent in the house located at the epicenter of the lost parking, and only the leaving visitors were any indication of where to lay blame. Tonight I had to use a back alley, and come through the back fence. Every shape seemed ominous until identified. Even the large tree was vaguely threatening.
I have no tolerance for gatherings, even at the best of times. I am not invited to such parties because I have no interest in such parties. I must confess I do not like people very much, and I have grown very tired of having to solve their problems over the course of my employment. Except that I am still in need of revenue, I cannot say that I will be displeased to become free from my tether.
Every day I am forced to think because another person refuses to, I find the façade cracks a little bit more, and I care a little bit less.
Oh wow, the Apocalypse Challenge. This is something I'm pretty confident I'm going to fail spectacularly, but it does make for something awesome to do while I'm home sick with something horrible. Pretty confident it's a sinus infection after some fashion or other.
Because having a cough that just won't go away isn't at all unnerving given my recent obsession.
So, because I figure it'll be easier, I roll together a male Sim named Joe Smith.
Per the challenge rules, he's assigned the Politics career track, which is roughly the most useless career to try and unlock in the game. It's not very useful to be able to build outside of your little 8x8 box when you're starving to death. But I go with it, figuring eventually things would work out.
Three out of four of the other politicians? Vampires.
This can only end well.
So, Joe slowly begins to climb the political career ladder, polishing podiums and a myriad of other things, I'm sure. Along the way, he inevitably catches The Death, and rises as a vampire. All good, except for the part where he's got a day job, but sure.
There's exactly one living person left that Joe Smith even knows. So Joe fixates on her, in the hopes of having living offspring (someday), not to say the occasional midnight snack.
He takes her home one day, feeds on her - and it's delicious, given the hefty mood buff he gets from it - turning her in the process.
And ... promptly keels over dead of thirst.
What.
As it turns out, Joe was suffering from this bug that caused him to suffer massive, permanent mood decreases every time he got a mood buff. Which ... is ... mind-bogglingly frustrating, not to say stupid. Apparently this caused him to contract depression and suicide on a full stomach. I don't even know. So I started again, in the same neighborhood, with a differentJoe.
Joe Mk II had the good fortune of being given the Criminal career track, which is immensely more useful than Politics. He's got a vampiric lover (who, herself, is in love with an Elderly Sim named Edgardo, as well; I'm pretty much letting Edgardo kick the bucket from old age). His subterranean bunker is coming along nicely, and he's almost done with the Criminal career track. He's written three books now, all of them nonfictional accounts of his life and times.
In short, Joe Mk. II actually has a chance in hell of succeeding at this.
Now we just have to hope true love really does conquer all ....
My thought patterns are a little bit disturbed right now.
If you want a normal happy blog you might want to check back Monday
NEVER
HA HA HA
LONELINESS:
You are not alone.
And yet you are alone.
So very alone.
LONELINESS:
You are not alone.
And yet you are alone.
SO VERY ALONE.
SO
INSIGNIFICANT
I hate
everything
There's a RINGING in my ears
I'm probably going deaf.
You know you say that but you really do have good hearing. How else do you hear the noises in the walls when all else is quiet?
The sensory tests ... that call the quality agent couldn't even hear words in, raising your hand because you heard a phone ring in the next room over despite noise-cancelling headphones, your night vision is remarkable. Writing normally, by GLOWSTICK. All four glasses tasted different. Hearing the high whine of an "off" TV. Perceiving that there are worlds on worlds of color.
Oh god.
That drawing.
Any kind of free thought is unsettling. Like that simple pencil drawing on black paper. You got an honorable mention for an hour's work.
I hate everything.
I try not to think too much.
There is static in my EYES.
Usually I can at least outline the chaos
I bet you $20USD I can't read even half of this in the morning.
my head hurts
everything
hurts
Oh my god.
can we pretend (airplanes) = (shooting stars)?
Getting Paid
Raspberry Cheesecake Cookies BEAR!
Life is pretty good right now really, for me. HAT! COOKIES!
Think of
HAPPY
THOUGHTS
Is this what going mad feels like?
If life is so good why can't I just focus on
That?!
I should try to make friends in real life.
Beneath the pleasant happy surface you are FUCKING INSANE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Everything hurts
nanananananananaBATMAN
I feel so alone especially when there are a I CAN SEE YOU
lot of people I can't talk to around. I CAN SEE YOU
OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T RELATE TO ME IRL. I CAN SEE YOU
Noises in the walls.
I'M NOT IDarkest just before DAWN
PARALYZED CAN'Toh my god I think
BUT I SEEM SEE I'm actually going
TO BE STRUCK ANYTHING insane
BY YOU So ALONEcan see you. "Going"?
So if it wears black clothing, dyes its hair black, is deathly pale, and cries a lot, is it a pathetic emo kid? I think it is. Stupid whiny bitch. 99% of everything is SHIT shutupshutup So tense. Keep clenching my fist. And jaw. shutupshutup emphasize everything Had a bit of a freak-out last night when I got home. Shaking and jittery. "I'm having a panic attack!" Maybe it's the caffeine? Is there anybody out there 'coz it's gettin' harder and harder to BREATHE. Shaking cold trying to ... BUFFERING ... BOOM .youarenotprepared. Dare you to read this. ramming always works (with a bat) Assume it IS just Then assume an ARG even one "Masky" takes it as srs as you do. Never sleep again. If Mom died I'd fall apart. "Daddy" wonder what that's like.
OHGODOHGODOH GODOHGODOHGOD OHGODOHGODOH Think of something else GOD ANYTHING ELSE
Do you really think you could survive? So when is the flood coming?
DON'T The lol f NEED rap has plants o ANY eaten my grow r Red Robes THING Pandora c better g HANDS ARE SMALL OR PAN o to e NOT YOURS ANY DOR l DEATH t MY OWN ONE A d METAL the IDIOT EAT YOU world I hate you OF Insignificant what More out of space than empty space HIGHER Little Blue Planet am Set the world on fire PURPOSE I? There is no one to answer. Have always felt like I'm being watched I don't feel safe. PARANOIA IS BAD OKAY. I don't feel safe in my house right now. Shaking I can see the light flickering every so often. Cold Automatic writing I walked in tonight and I went straight for my sword. Shaking HANDS ARE SHAKING COLD Cold
Sleeping with the light on again. Blood red. I DON'T FEEL SAFE
MONSTER
INHUMAN
YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL
YOU LIKE TO PRETEND YOU'RE SOMETHING SPECIAL BUT YOU'RE NOT SELF- IMPORTANTYOU PEOPLE ARE ALL SO DAMN FUCK EVERYTHING Mom claims to have spoken to a psychic I never met who claimed that she was descended from some kind of red-robed ... folk. Powerful folk. But she's protected. BLOCKED. An angel guardian and an island of blissful ignorance. I am not protected. I don't think. I feel sometimes like there is something waiting beyond sight, waiting for me to drop my guard. COLDCOLD COLDCOLD COLD COLDCOLD COLD
So, fair warning, this post is depressing. Like, very. Like, I might as well slap "Trigger Warning" on the front if you're a particularly sensitive, easily-depressed person. Written Thursday, before the whole ... dog ... thing.
Purse-sized notebook is pretty cool
Writing smaller to fill full quantity of content.
Talking and thinking is becoming garbled.
Multiple Monsters, can't recommend.
Sleepy. So sleepy. Terribly sleepy. CAFFEINE IS GREAT.
I feel sometimes like this whole blog is one long ode to sanity slippage. Then again, aren't all blogs that even so much as mention the Slender Man a bit like that? Planning to buy Droid for self for Valentine's Day. No male/female/inanimate object to serenade, and getting paid.
Valentine's day: Because FUCK single people am I right? w aita sec I'M
SINGLE
Thinking about selling off old computer since it's never used. Destroy she said THE END My love again WILL
Don't try again COME
to make amends QUICKLY
(A boat) YOU'LL JUST
(I'm on one) END UP Sinking
If you explode in aftermath
Don't think that you've
DESTROY been Dreaming
she said My love again
When it's not worth keeping
TVTROPES
WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE. Seems like a lot of people learn about Slendy via TVTropes. So is it TVTropes will END your life? Whoops.
tinyurl for tiny text. I don't ever use the full link, and since you're here, probably you knew that, huh? ( X )
Google has become a verb. It's like using a band-aid. Technically it's a bandage, but eh. Some wacky foreigners call it a "plaster," too. I think mostly Brit
GAH LIGHT VERY BRIGHT I mentioned that I'm a very boring person who mostly stays home right? Sunshine is shiny. It's dark in my house. Like a CAVE inside. I'm a very nocturnal person too, seriously. Before I started my job I was going to bed at 8 AM.
Otterbox cases are apparently BOMB-proof. Run it over, drop it in the toilet, hit it with a hammer, and the phone still works. I just wow.
Twitter being faster on my phone is kind of sad to me. The computer in my hand is nice. Want the Droid.
I kind of like this wonky line in the middle here.
Technical support with people who should never have a cell phone, much less a smartphone. FUN.
I suck at everything and I'm stupid and I should just die.
Phone trees are cyborgs. They're made partly of people, partly of machinery. PHONE TREES will kill the world.
Rolling words in my head. I don't think there's even a Bluff around here at all. This place is kind of flat. Maybe they're referring to bluff as in the horrible lies sense. With a high enough bluff check you can pretty much rewrite reality. LOLOL.
Everyone makes stupid mistakes. IF I'm so smart then I Shouldn't. EVER.
My god you're such a whiny fucking BITCH Should just DIE. Fuckfuckfuck. Suck at everything.
Probably shouldn't post this.
DUMB BITCH. =(
Unlikable loser. Only thing worse than a know-it-all is a stupid know-it-all who's a fucking idiot.
Hahahahaha. "Nightly ritual of bitching about how everybody but me and my healer are incompetent." That assumes I'M not incompetent.I suck just as much if not more.
I'm my own worst enemy DON'T LET ME GET ME It's bad when you annoy yourself So irritating
DON'T WANNA BE MY FRIEND NO MORE
I wanna be somebody else.
ALL
I do is bitch and whine, bitch and whine. How can anybody stand me?
Shut up.
My brain is so empty the thoughts are falling out. I think I hate myself. I really do.
Feeling queasy. Didn't sleep enough. FUCKING Depressed and STUPID I'm such a IDIOT ANY
Like a black cloud in my head that I can't begin to penetrate. Like I'm good for THING.
Had a weird-ass dream this morning. Two actually. First one I thought I was waking up and then my door opened. A grayscale clown tried to shove his way into my room, and he succeeded, but I smashed the door on him a few times, then hit him a lot with my sword (it has a wooden sheath so I just use it like a club). And he kept laughing. I got the impression I managed to shut out something worse though.
The other dream was just as weird. I was laying on the ground in the underbrush of a forest. I saw two pictures in front of me, only they weren't photos, they were like five-second videos on some kind of clear plastic substance. The pictures - was it two or three? - were of little boys I'd never seen before. When I reached out to look at them (there wasn't any clothing, but it was a bust shot every time) a shadow fell over me and I just knew it was the Slender Man. Worse: NO AUDIO.
Felt like I lurched sideways out of my body just now. Feeling dizzy and disoriented, eyes are watering, what the hell.
