2/15/2011 EXPLODING QUIETLY

My thought patterns are a little bit disturbed right now.

If you want a normal happy blog you might want to check back Monday  

NEVER

HA HA HA

LONELINESS:

You are not alone.

And yet you are alone.

So very alone.

LONELINESS:

You are not alone.

And yet you are alone.

SO VERY ALONE.

SO

INSIGNIFICANT 

I hate

everything

There's a RINGING in my ears

I'm probably going deaf. 

You know you say that but you really do have good hearing. How else do you hear the noises in the walls when all else is quiet? 

The sensory tests ... that call the quality agent couldn't even hear words in, raising your hand because you heard a phone ring in the next room over despite noise-cancelling headphones, your night vision is remarkable. Writing normally, by GLOWSTICK. All four glasses tasted different. Hearing the high whine of an "off" TV. Perceiving that there are worlds on worlds of color.

Oh god.

That drawing.

Any kind of free thought is unsettling. Like that simple pencil drawing on black paper. You got an honorable mention for an hour's work.

 I hate everything.

I try not to think too much.

There is static in my EYES.

Usually I can at least outline the chaos

I bet you $20USD I can't read even half of this in the morning.

my head hurts

everything

hurts

Oh my god.

can we pretend (airplanes) = (shooting stars)?

                                     Getting Paid

                        Raspberry Cheesecake Cookies      BEAR!

Life is pretty good right now really, for me.  HAT! COOKIES!

  Think of 

HAPPY

THOUGHTS

Is this what going mad feels like?

If life is so good why can't I just focus on 

That?! 

I should try to make friends in real life.

Beneath the pleasant happy surface you are FUCKING INSANE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Everything hurts

nanananananananaBATMAN

I feel so alone especially when there are a          I CAN SEE YOU

lot of people I can't talk to around.                        I CAN SEE YOU

OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T RELATE TO ME IRL.          I CAN SEE YOU

                                                                                 Noises in the walls.

I'M NOT             I          Darkest just before DAWN

PARALYZED     CAN'T     oh my god I think

BUT I SEEM       SEE       I'm actually going

TO BE STRUCK   ANYTHING     insane

BY YOU      So ALONE    can see you. "Going"?

So if it wears black clothing, dyes its hair black, is deathly pale, and cries a lot, is it a pathetic emo kid? I think it is. Stupid whiny bitch.
 99% of everything is SHIT                                                                           shutupshutup
So tense. Keep clenching my fist. And jaw.                  shutupshutup
              emphasize everything
Had a bit of a freak-out last night when I got home. Shaking and jittery.
"I'm having a panic attack!" Maybe it's the caffeine?
Is there anybody out there 'coz it's gettin' harder and harder to BREATHE.
Shaking cold                                trying to ... BUFFERING ... 
       BOOM                  .youarenotprepared.                  Dare you to read this.
ramming always works (with a bat)                     Assume it IS just    Then assume
                                                                                       an ARG               even one "Masky"
                                                                                                   takes it as srs as you do. Never sleep again.
If Mom died I'd fall apart. "Daddy" wonder what that's like. 

OHGODOHGODOH
GODOHGODOHGOD                         
OHGODOHGODOH                             Think of something else
                         GOD                          ANYTHING ELSE

Do you really think you could survive?
So when is the flood coming?


DON'T                The                  lol                f
NEED              rap has              plants          o
ANY              eaten my            grow              r   Red Robes
THING           Pandora    c        better           g         HANDS ARE SMALL
OR                   PAN         o             to             e          NOT YOURS
ANY                DOR         l         DEATH       t              MY OWN
ONE                     A         d         METAL       the              IDIOT
                        EAT YOU                               world        I hate you
OF                      Insignificant           what           More out of space than empty space
HIGHER       Little Blue Planet           am       Set the world on fire
PURPOSE                                              I?
       There is no one to answer.   Have always felt like I'm being watched
I don't feel safe.                 PARANOIA IS BAD OKAY. 
I don't feel safe in my house right now.            Shaking
I can see the light flickering every so often.         Cold            Automatic writing
I walked in tonight and I went straight for my sword.                        Shaking
                                          HANDS ARE SHAKING COLD              Cold

Sleeping with the light on again.
Blood red.
I DON'T FEEL SAFE

 MONSTER

INHUMAN 

YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL

YOU LIKE TO PRETEND YOU'RE SOMETHING SPECIAL BUT YOU'RE NOT
SELF-
IMPORTANT          YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL SO DAMN 
    FUCK 
EVERYTHING

Mom claims to have spoken to a psychic I never met who claimed that she was descended from some kind of red-robed ... folk. Powerful folk. But she's protected. BLOCKED. An angel guardian and an island of blissful ignorance. I am not protected. I don't think.
 I feel sometimes like there is something waiting beyond sight, waiting for me to drop my guard.

COLDCOLD
COLDCOLD
COLD
COLDCOLD
COLD

CAN'T SLEEP

So Cold

I think I'm really going mad.

Tiny Freewrite

So, fair warning, this post is depressing. Like, very. Like, I might as well slap "Trigger Warning" on the front if you're a particularly sensitive, easily-depressed person. Written Thursday, before the whole ... dog ... thing.

 

Purse-sized notebook is pretty cool

Writing smaller to fill full quantity of content.

Talking and thinking is becoming garbled.

Multiple Monsters, can't recommend.

Sleepy. So sleepy. Terribly sleepy.
CAFFEINE IS GREAT.

I feel sometimes like this whole blog is one long ode to sanity slippage.
Then again, aren't all blogs that even so much as mention the Slender Man a bit like that?

Planning to buy Droid for self for Valentine's Day. No male/female/inanimate object to serenade, and getting paid.

Valentine's day: Because FUCK single people am I right?
w
aita
sec
I'M
SINGLE

Thinking about selling off old computer since it's never used.

Destroy she said   THE END
   My love again     WILL
Don't try again      COME
   to make amends  QUICKLY
  (A boat)              YOU'LL JUST
   (I'm on one)        END UP Sinking
If you explode in aftermath
Don't think that you've
DESTROY    been Dreaming
she said    My love again
When it's not worth keeping

TVTROPES
WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE. Seems like a lot of people learn about Slendy via TVTropes. So is it TVTropes will END your life? Whoops.

tinyurl for tiny text. I don't ever use the full link, and since you're here, probably you knew that, huh? ( X )

Google has become a verb. It's like using a band-aid. Technically it's a bandage, but eh. Some wacky foreigners call it a "plaster," too. I think mostly Brit

GAH LIGHT VERY BRIGHT
I mentioned that I'm a very boring person who mostly stays home right? Sunshine is shiny. It's dark in my house. Like a CAVE inside. I'm a very nocturnal person too, seriously. Before I started my job I was going to bed at 8 AM.

Otterbox cases are apparently BOMB-proof. Run it over, drop it in the toilet, hit it with a hammer, and the phone still works. I just wow.

Twitter being faster on my phone is kind of sad to me. The computer in my hand is nice. Want the Droid.

I kind of like this wonky line in the middle here.

Technical support with people who should never have a cell phone, much less a smartphone. FUN.

I suck at everything and I'm stupid and I should just die.

Phone trees are cyborgs. They're made partly of people, partly of machinery. PHONE TREES will kill the world.

Rolling words in my head. I don't think there's even a Bluff around here at all. This place is kind of flat. Maybe they're referring to bluff as in the horrible lies sense. With a high enough bluff check you can pretty much rewrite reality. LOLOL.

Everyone makes stupid mistakes. IF I'm so smart then I Shouldn't. EVER.
My god you're such a whiny fucking BITCH Should just DIE. Fuckfuckfuck. Suck at everything.

Probably shouldn't post this.

DUMB BITCH. =(

Unlikable loser. Only thing worse than a know-it-all is a stupid know-it-all who's a fucking idiot.

Hahahahaha. "Nightly ritual of bitching about how everybody but me and my healer are incompetent." That assumes I'M not incompetent. I suck just as much if not more. 


I'm my own worst enemy
DON'T LET ME GET ME
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating 
DON'T WANNA BE MY FRIEND NO MORE
I wanna be somebody else.


ALL
I do is bitch and whine, bitch and whine. How can anybody stand me?
Shut up.


My brain is so empty the thoughts are falling out. I think I hate myself. I really do.

Feeling queasy. Didn't sleep enough.     FUCKING
Depressed and STUPID I'm such a       IDIOT                                              ANY
Like a black cloud in my head that I can't begin to penetrate. Like I'm good for THING. 

Had a weird-ass dream this morning. Two actually. First one I thought I was waking up and then my door opened. A grayscale clown tried to shove his way into my room, and he succeeded, but I smashed the door on him a few times, then hit him a lot with my sword (it has a wooden sheath so I just use it like a club). And he kept laughing. I got the impression I managed to shut out something worse though.

The other dream was just as weird. I was laying on the ground in the underbrush of a forest. I saw two pictures in front of me, only they weren't photos, they were like five-second videos on some kind of clear plastic substance. The pictures - was it two or three? - were of little boys I'd never seen before. When I reached out to look at them (there wasn't any clothing, but it was a bust shot every time) a shadow fell over me and I just knew it was the Slender Man. Worse: NO AUDIO.

Felt like I lurched sideways out of my body just now. Feeling dizzy and disoriented, eyes are watering, what the hell.

I Feel Like A Monster

Like a vampire, specifically. Agh. I have problems falling asleep at night, and waking up before noon is a special kind of hell for me. As such, I have, off and on, been testing energy drinks' effectiveness on me, since most kinds of jobs tend to be scheduled for the daytime hours. The most amusing one I've tried came in a pseudo-blood pack, actually. Colored red, it tasted a bit like Flintstones vitamins: fruit punch with a vaguely chalky aftertaste.

The ex warned me off of 5 Hour Energy since they apparently taste bad, and he's got the taste buds of a smoker. Also apparently it's going to kill him someday. Given how little he sleeps, I tend to agree.

I tried a Monster last night, by which I mean early afternoon, by which I mean I stopped drinking it, at the latest, by 4 or 5 PM.

I then became annoyingly bubbly for the next six or seven hours and abandoned my ability to think in a straight line. Around 11:30 I laid down because I knew I had work this morning, and around 1 AM I finally stopped being wide awake. I think I finally fell unconscious around 1:30 AM.

All I can say is, I can't wait for next Monday. Seven AM is slowly, but surely, killing me.

Oh: the Monster tasted suspiciously close to the "bloody" energy shot, this post was written sometime last week, and I decided to get another Monster around noon of that day. No serious negative side effects, anyway, that I could see.


Sir, we have a containment breach ... we've lost them. They're out in the open.